Missing

I miss Rich. It’s not all day every day. But it swoops in likes waves on the shore. Sometimes, if I’m not looking, I get knocked down. 

Ian asks so many questions. “If you had two million dollars and someone said they could bring Daddy back for one million dollars, would you do it? I mean ... because you’d still have a million dollars ... and Daddy too!”

It’s hard to answer those questions. It’s like asking what kind of iced tea I would make on the rings of Saturn. It’s so impossible to imagine, I can’t even entertain an answer. 

We’ve already agreed that sick Daddy shouldn’t come back. That would be cruel. But Daddy from 2010? That guy was great. And sure, any of us who love him would want that guy back.

And yet here we are. And here he isn’t. So all we can do is miss him and talk about him. 

I’ve been listening to the Scrubs soundtrack again. Rich never had much interest in watching the show himself but he always greatly enjoyed my descriptions of the episodes. 

There are two songs in particular of note. First is “Good Life” by Francis Dunnery.

Rich couldn’t bear for me to play it around him. Now that he’s gone, I can play it all day if I like. 

It was too hard for him to listen to. The soundtrack for Season One came out in September of 2002. Rich was freshly separated. I was divorced. We were in love. That song reminded him of the previous 12 months when he thought he’d never see me again. During that awful period, he wondered if it would be enough for me to just have a “good life” even if he couldn’t be a part of it. 

I don’t believe in the afterlife, but if there is some form of Rich floating around, I would like to think he is still wanting me to have a good life, even if he can’t be a part of it. 

The other song of note is “Have It All” by Jeremy Kay

That one didn’t bother Rich if I played it. Listening to it 15 years later, it has new meaning for me. Some days I feel like crying, dreaming, singing, or laughing. And I do try to keep the rhythm of a train. And I really do believe that some day we’re gonna have it all. 

Missing someone doesn’t need to be fixed. It’s not indicative of some larger problem. It’s just there. Like the weather, or waves on the shore. 

Rich and Mollie on our beach, November 2007