Facebook Archive - December 2014

Dec 2 - Ian unwrapped 'The Night Before Christmas' tonight as his advent bedtime book. He was dubious about it, concerned it was too long. I was trying to explain how it was a classic story but he doesn't understand that word, so I was telling him how everyone likes it and he might too. 

'Even Travis?!' 

I hope you like that story, dude, cause I told him it was one of your faves.

Dec 3 - Ian's bedtime advent book tonight was a Disney version of 'A Christmas Carol'. When the ghost of Jacob Marley (played by Goofy) showed up, Ian said, 'This is spooky stuff. Are you sure this is a Christmas book?'

Dec 4 - We read 'the Snow Queen' last night and this was Ian's reaction to the demon that broke the mirror [ hiding under his blanket]. That's also my general pose for anything scary so I can't blame him.

Dec 5 - 'What's a spirit?'
'A soul.'
'What's a soul?'
'It's like your feelings.'
'What's a feeling?'
'Like happy, sad, or mad.'
'Oh. ... Was God ever a teenager?'
#notforwusses

Dec 21 - Two clever things from Ian today: We were kicking the soccer ball around the front yard and he accidentally knocked it into the bushes. 'Oops. I guess we're playing hide and soccer now.'

On the way to see Santa, Ian asked if Daddy had Christmas and Easter in the army. Rich said yes and Ian asked, 'Did they load all the Easter eggs into the cannon on your tank and then shoot them out for everybody to go find?' 

No, but they totally should have ...

Dec 21 - Ian has been on a French toast kick lately. So if you're looking for a last minute Christmas gift for us, we need eggs and bread.

Dec 22 - I can't wait to tell my five year old, who still asks when he'll be able to have mama milk again, that the witch doctor just gave me chewable tablets of (cow) colostrum. #BF4life

Dec 25 - 11:30pm and the only people still awake in the house are me and the five-year-old. #nightowls

Dec 28 - Ian wanted me to paint his nails since I was doing mine. We skipped his right thumb since that's the one he sucks.

Facebook Archive - November 2014

Nov 5 - Our five year old is 48' tall and 63lb 4oz.

Nov 11 - Ian: 'Veteran's Day is my favorite holiday because I get to go to Ms. Jenna's!'

Nov 21 - Ian: 'Guess what I'm bigger than? I'm bigger than a bush!'
Me: 'Hey did you know that bananas don't grow on trees but on really big bushes?'
Ian: 'But I thought they grew on trees!'
Me: 'I know, crazy, hunh?'
Ian: 'EVERYONE thought that! How do you know that?'
Me: 'I read it somewhere.'
Ian: 'Man, I can't *wait* to read!'
#TIL

Nov 25 - The problem with parenting is they need you to be their parent even when they're assholes. 
Ian: 'Mommy can I play on your phone?'
Me: 'No. I will feed you and keep you dry and warm and safe today. Anything beyond that is a stretch at this point.'

No 29 - Ian is having a homemade cheeseburger while I'm having shrimp pad thai. Well, Ian is stealing the shrimp out of my pad thai too. Good thing I put a whole pound in.

Facebook Archive - October 2014

Oct 1 - Ian just figured out that if astro means stars and naut means sailing, an astronaut sails the stars. I would brag at his cleverness but he is currently doing a rousing rendition of 'John Jacob Jingleheimer Fart'

Oct 2 -Today's drive home is an in-depth debate on why the word 'fuckin'' is a bad word. Ian surmises, 'I think it's because it sounds like friggin'.' It's way more challenging to analyze why it upsets people than 'stupid' or 'God damn.' And this is way harder than the etymology of astronaut. #notforwusses

Oct 6 - We've been taking to Ian about his occasional lack of a daily sticker at school, usually for breaking some rule. 
Today, he hopped in the car and declared, 'I got a sticker! But I'm mad at Auric. He pushed me into the water fountain today.'

Me: 'Oh yeah, I got a note about that and how it hurt your lip.'

Ian: 'Yeah. And I don't know if *he* got a sticker today, but if *I* were the teacher and he were my student, I would be like 'BLAMO! No more sticker for you!'' 

Stickers are serious stuff.

Oct 8 - Ian's plastic helmet was his choice for hat day at school. The teachers naively asked him if he's a knight and were completely unprepared for the detail of his answer.

Oct 9 - Ian (while sitting on the toilet this morning): 'I am mad at God. I really don't like him right now.'
Me: 'Uh, why?'
Ian: 'Because he makes my butt hurt when I poop.'
Me: 'I'm not sure that God has anything to do with how much fiber you eat.'
Ian: 'Well, God controls *everything*, even our bodies, so it's his fault my butt hurts.'
#preschooltheology #notforwusses

Oct 12 - At 7:15am, Ian materialized next to my side of the bed. 
'Mommy! I stayed in my own bed the *whole night*! I'm a big kid now!'

He then grabbed his blankie, climbed into bed next to me and went back to sleep with his head buried in my armpit and his hand on my boob. But I'm wide awake now. 

I suppose I should log in a baby book that it was 59 months and two weeks once he 'slept through the night.'

Oct 12 - I was in the shower after my run when Ian came bursting in. 
'Mommy! I spelled far!'
'Like far away?'
'Yeah, Daddy helped me and I wrote it in my notebook.'

Two minutes later, 'Mommy! I spelled art! Like a drawing or painting. Daddy helped me!'

He ran back into the bedroom to try his next word. I called out from the shower, 'Hey if you can spell far and you can spell art, if you put them together it makes another word.'

'What word is that?'
'Daddy will help you.'

Comedy. Gold.

Oct 15 - Ian: 'Doesn't everyone have a baby?'
Me: 'No, not everyone.'
Ian: 'Why not?'
Me: 'Well, some people can't afford a baby. And some people can't have one because there's something happening with their body. And some people, hard as it is to believe, just don't want a baby.'
Ian: 'So why don't we have another baby? Can't we afford one? Does your body not work for babies? Don't you want a baby, Mommy? I want a baby.' 
#notforwusses

Oct 17 - Noah's Ark Parade at Ian's preschool. It is largely harmless but it still weirds me out to hear small children prosthelytize. Rich just leaned over and said, 'I don't feel so bad about Ian knowing all the words to 'Baby Got Back' after listening to this.'

Oct 22 - Ian (at 7:14am) : 'Am I 5!?'
Me: 'Yep! As of an hour ago.'
Ian: 'But when will I be 6!?!?!'

Live in the moment, dude.
Happy birthday, stinker.

Oct 22 - Ian is showing his lady friends about how he smashed his finger 'a long time ago when [he] was four'. (It was Saturday.)

Oct 25 - We are roaming the aisles of Walmart while I teach Ian the lyrics to 'Fiddler's Green.' We've covered what oil skins are and stopped by the men's coveralls as an example of a jumper. He's also learned the difference in a chorus and verse. Soon we can cover chord progressions. 

This must be what home schooling is like.

Oct 26 - Ian has lamented that he wishes we lived at the trampoline park, so I think his party was a success.