Things I have learned while attempting to record video.

• Tripods are your friend if you are attempting to film yourself. It's worth tearing the house apart to find it even when it's in the exact place you thought it was but invisible for the first 30 minutes of the search.
• My eyes disappear when I smile. I must be part Chinese based on my eyes alone. We'll ignore the pale skin and freckles and long inseam. You can call me Gi Ni.
• Trying to keep my eyes wide makes me look crazy, surprised and a little condescending as the top and bottom of my face no longer match and makes my entire expression seem contrived (which it is).
• Without a studio for my recording, the cats will decide to tussle in the floor beneath me, the dog will hock up something just beyond the camera's view and Rich will declare something loud and profane over some televised sporting event all while the camera is "rolling."
• No matter how simple the three sentences are I want to record, I will manage to screw it up and have to record those same three sentences 8792 times.
• I should not decide to record a video for posterity when it is 24 hours before my long overdue haircut and color, unless said video is about how badly I need a haircut and color.

I have spent two hours recording what would normally only take 10 minutes to explain. I have not even begun to edit it and turn all these duplicate clips into something coherent and entertaining. I'll do my best to share my masterpiece before the end of this week, but it may take me until Monday to put the "finishing touches" on it.

I'm definitely no Ze Frank. He certainly doesn't have squinty eyes.