Living Out Loud volume 22: Name your vice

Man, this whole writing thing is tough! You know? Which actually scares me just a little that I plan on writing every day in November for NaBloPoMo again this year. I did it with a newborn! Then again he slept all the time then versus running around the house meowing at the cats and resisting nap time. But I do have a theme for Living Out Loud! I've had it since the last one was posted but haven't been able to think of the right way to explain it. So we'll see how this goes.

Tell us what your vice is. What's your bad habit? Or if applicable, who is your bad habit? (I always think of my friend who said that a guy was Her Favorite Mistake like the Sheryl Crow song.)

You don't need to get all biblical on us, picking one of big seven deadly ones. I knew a guy once who was vegan but every October would sneak off to eat Tootsie Rolls where his vegan girlfriend couldn't find them.

Since wikipedia reminded me that vice is the opposite of virtue, maybe your vice is that you don't return the shopping carts to their corrals in the parking lot or you don't recycle.

Details include:

• Write something personal about yourself using the previous paragraphs as a guideline. Do not feel that you have to address each prompt above. The spirit of this project is to share something about yourself; I'm just throwing out ideas.

• Once you have completed your entry and posted it, please email me the link at genie [at] inabottle [dot] org. Remember, if you don't email me, I'm likely to forget to include you in the recap!

• If you do not have a blog to host your story, you can email me the story directly and I will add it here as a guest post giving you credit. The more the merrier!

• The due date for entries is Sunday, November 7th (the first Sunday of the month) at 5pm Eastern.

• Once I have collected all the entries, I will post a wrap-up to list them all and announce a winner. The winner will receive some sort of prize to be determined but all participants will receive fame and glory and a link on our Living Out Loud blogroll.

Every character has a flaw. Even the Pope probably has neglected to change the toilet paper roll on occasion. So let us in on your secret.

The rainbow connection

I went to my psychiatric nurse practitioner the other day for my Zoloft refill. I'm still dutifully taking 50mg a day since returning to work from maternity leave. She asked me how things were and if I had any issues to bring up. I hesitated to mention it but all the same, "I can't remember the last time I cried. I'm not sure it's really a problem, but after all the tears being pregnant and postpartum, it just seems unusual. I mean, I got pretty misty reading a blog post last week, but actual tears haven't happened." She looked at me thoughtfully. "Have you watched the Blind Side?"

"Um, no. Some co-workers mentioned it, but I haven't gotten around to it. Is it good?"

"It's out on HBO now. Go rent it. If you watch the whole movie and don't cry, call me. But if you cry watching that movie, then you're fine."

It seemed like a fair enough assignment.

Saturday night, Rich had taken Ian upstairs for bed while I started sorting through photos and songs for his one year slide show. I was deep in the throws of exactly how that tiny little peanut turned into our huge son. He used to be in my belly and then he was nine pounds of squish I never put down. Now I've got this carpal tunnel thing going on and that peanut is closer to 25 pounds and super long and wants to walk (run, really) versus be held. That little baby that stayed up all night with me during maternity leave and was so hard to leave for work is now this busy little boy who's on the Toddler Schedule and looks up from his activity table nonchalantly when I pick him up from day care.

I heard footsteps on the stairs but when Rich showed up in the doorway he still had a baby in his arms. Ian was obviously tired but just couldn't fall asleep. And in my tinkering around on the computer to pick songs, Sarah McLachlan's the Rainbow Connection started playing. So I turned the lights down low, clicked the repeat button and my little boy and I slow danced over and over while he buried his head in my chest and sucked his thumb. He was in a little onesie like he used to wear back in the day. It was the weekend so we had no Toddler Schedule. It was just like old times. We swayed back and forth and then rocked in the chair.

He's much bigger now. His long legs get tangled up in my own and it strains my back to hold him for very long. But slumped in the chair with him sighing under my chin, it was 11 months ago and I was holding my little boy with no other cares in the world. And the tears came. Just a few at first, but they came all the same. Real tears. Good tears. Tears to mourn what we can't go back and relive but also to celebrate what an incredibly lucky year we've had full of joy and achievements. I made a person. And he came out perfect and he has been well loved and he knows who his mama is and that's who he wanted to hold him while he drifted off to sleep.

I may not rent that movie any time soon, but I think we'll be just fine.

Recap of Living Out Loud volume 21: Back to school

I asked for cheesy high school photos and you all delivered in spades! So let's get to them: Grace's The me I used to be I was tall and also sucked at basketball. My 6'9" friend would reply when asked if he played basketball, "No, do you play miniature golf?" :) So many versions of you! I love the last photo, though. The look on your face is great.

Candice's If high school was now... I would be a Facebook addict too. I'm happy to have experienced high school pre-Internet, but wouldn't necessarily say it was better that way. :)

Rachel's High school reunion I love hearing the difference between high school you and college you. And it doesn't sound like your high school was worth going back to. We're happy you're here with us now.

Peggy's Late for Breakfast Club Holy crap, best prom photos ever. And good for you for organizing the reunions.

Erin's No Scrub Left Behind Hehe, I went to Smarty Pants School too. You say you endured. That reminds me of the Indigo Girls song "I spent 4 years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper and I was free."

SuziCate's I Wish I Had Known Then ... "I wish I had known then that the me I was hiding was much nicer than the me I was pretending to be. I wish I had know then that I really was ok." That should be on t-shirts and handed out at high schools.

Megan's Dandelion Seeds: the story I've never told It's a very looong post, but read it all. The last few paragraphs made me cry.

Ruth's Thanks, Teach' "In his presence, I felt like I could be good." That's probably the dream of most teachers.

Karal's Reflections of Acceptance Welcome back, Karal! My GPA in college was on par with your high school one and I turned out okay. And I'm glad after having no voice back then you've found one.

And my own The me I used to be

I loved everyone's entries. I love the diversity of what you all covered, how you all interpreted it. I love how some of you feel very different than high school and some feel pretty much the same.

But mostly I love that through these entries I feel closer to all of you. In particular, I loved Megan's post. Her entry (the part after the cut) was exactly what I hoped Living Out Loud could be. The catharsis she got from it and the supportive comments just make it all the better.

So Megan is our winner this month. She'll get the customary $25 Amazon gift certificate and our high fives for a job well done. Thank you all for participating, reading and commenting. You are what makes this little project so worthwhile. I already know the next topic so stay tuned for more on that this week!