I'm not going in the kitchen 'til spring

in

I'm super-whiny tonight. Like come home and throw myself on the bed, kicking my arms and legs, lamenting that I'm hungry and there's nothing to eat kind of whiny. (We have tons of food in the kitchen, by the way, but it's all stupid and ugly.) The only solution was to go to our local Mexican restaurant and drown my sorrows in salsa and chorizo sausage.

A few hours after we got home, I wandered into the kitchen to fix my blood sugar from too much insulin at dinner (math is hard). I came near the fridge but never actually touched it and it JUMPED OUT AND SHOCKED MY RIGHT RING FINGER. I cried out like I had been shot. For all I knew the fridge had found a way to shoot me. I almost kicked the door in anger, but knew I would have just hurt my foot to go along with my finger.

After I consoled myself with a small bowl of Honey Combs, I shocked the shit out of my thumb on the faucet rinsing out my bowl. So at the moment the appliances and I are not speaking to each other.

why yes, my mother does dress me occasionally.

in

My mother does a lot of thrift store shopping. Ever since menopause came into her life, she's learned to dress in layers, many of which consist of a snug fitting tank top or knit top that she covers with a button down shirt. And since it's the thrift store, I end of up with a lot of her shirts that are a smidge too snug. As she says, sometimes they're too clingy and she's too old for anything to cling to her anymore ... at least for shirts anyways. When I started bringing these shirts home, Rich would raise his eyebrows at some of them. We started calling them Hoochie Mama shirts because they were a bit clingy and came from Mom. It has become such a trend, that anytime I wear a tight-fitting or revealing outfit Rich asks if my mother bought it for me.

Saturday, I came home with a new Hoochie Mama shirt from my parents and we didn't think much of it. Then on Sunday when I stopped by to trade a container of the world's best body lotion and coupons for some Smithfied ham (I love living near my parents) Mom handed me a bizarre container of KY touch massage oil. I just looked at her.

Mom: "It was at the Dollar Store and KY stuff is normally expensive. I figured I could use it as lotion in a pinch."

Me: "Yeah, but what am I supposed to do with it?"

Mom: "I don't know, but I bought two so take one."

Me: "That's weird. But fine, I'll take it. You know Rich is going to make fun of this."

Mom: "I know, but it was cheap."

So I dutifully took it home and set it on the sofa table. Rich came home and looked at the container dubiously.

Me: "I know, it's weird. I told Mom you were going to make fun of it. It even smells weird."

Rich: "Between this and the shirts ... your mother must really want grandkids."