This bear is apparently flying on a trapeze

I've spent about $200 for test strips since Friday. Since the beginning of the month, I've been trying to get my test strips from Liberty Medical (yeah, Wilford Brimley's place) with no luck. I bought 50 strips on Friday hoping they would last me until my refills came. Yesterday I had to buy another hundred. I called Liberty today to find out what the hold up is only to find out that they claim to be waiting on doctor's orders. I've been diabetic for 24 years yet I have to have an annual doctor's notes saying it's okay for me to have supplies that I'm going to pay for. It's like needing a hall pass for a disease.

I'm running out of CGM sensors and I've been out of test strips for weeks. If I run out of sensors, I'll be going through test strips even more than I already have. Even with the sensor, I tested my sugar 15 times today (at $1.20 each from our local Rite Aid).

As luck would have it, I've reached my 23rd week of pregnancy and as the ultrasound technician was kind enough to explain to me, this is when the placenta starts really growing with speed and it trashes my blood sugars.

Every day it's like wrestling a bear to get my blood sugars down with only sporadic success. Without sensors or test strips, it's like paying hundreds of dollars to wrestle a bear blindfolded.

I could use a diabetes vacation right about now

This is a sample of what my last two days have been like.

First, some explanation of the picture. Remember my blood sugars are supposed to stay under 150 at all times. I highlight my morning fasting blood sugars in blue so the dietitian can scan through them over three weeks (she complained about that a month ago that my chart was too confusing for her to read). I also label my breakfast, lunch and dinner meals to help break up each day and I made a pink header for each day to help separate those in each week. I do a new worksheet for each week, starting on Monday. I log my blood sugar, a description of the food, estimated carb content, how much insulin I took and any notes. I also added that protein column this week as a bit of a "screw you" after my last appointment. Oh and while I'm not a military time kind of person at all, it's much easier for logging data quickly.

What is so infuriating is that the dietitians want to have some reason (generally something I did wrong) that causes any blood sugar out of range. It's how they feel helpful. But if you press them too much with "alright, I give up. You tell me why my blood sugars were so high all day!" what usually happens then is they give some lame excuse of "well, sometimes there just isn't an explanation." Well, that's just fucking great.

I can't wear my infusion sites on my stomach anymore because the skin is tight and sensitive but everywhere else I've tried so far hurts and happens to be some place I run into all the time so I'm afraid I'm going to rip them out. I got a huge bruise on my arm from my last CGM sensor so much so that it hurt to sleep on that side. My blood sugar is 211 right now, despite taking twice the insulin I should have at lunch (I bolused for it and then punted on half the meal because it was gross).

The other day I was casually trying to explain something about one of the many devices I wear attached to me or some complicated routine I go through to manage all this and someone remarked, "I just couldn't do all that. If that were me, I'd just die." Really? You'd let something like diabetes sucker-punch you like that? You'd just give up? You'd just find someone else to make you a baby or tell you what to eat or do your math for you? God I hope not.

Matt used to talk about the hassles of his colostomy then laugh and say, "it sure beats being dead, though!" It's hard and it's unfair and it's a giant pain in the ass, but it's just another one of those things that isn't going to get better by ignoring it. I was hoping writing all this down would make me feel better, but I'm still pissed off.

I'll change my infusion site and tubing in case it's gone bad (wish me luck finding a new spot that doesn't hurt). I'll close my office door and have a good cry about it. I'll drink more water and check my blood again in an hour. And I'll just keep going. They don't make vacations from stuff like this.

A prescription for steak and BJs

Another three weeks have gone by and today was another OB appointment. This visit was markedly different in that at least I was in and out in under 30 minutes. I think that has to be a new record (hooray free parking!). I'm the same weight as three weeks ago (189) and my blood pressure has gone down to "are you sure you're pregnant?" normal versus just normal (104/67). Everything is very much in order. It seems I can't have a doctor's appointment, though, without at least something getting on my nerves. Each visit I realize more and more how much I dislike dietitians.

On the one hand, they tell me that the hormones affect my blood sugar and certain things are out of my control so I just have to do the best I can. And on the other hand, the dietitian wants desperately to prove her worth by giving me some suggestion to change so that I feel like I'm getting my money's worth.

There are two dietitians I deal with, Georgia and Marilyn. Georgia is the one that "doesn't like my numbers" and complains about my refusal to user their precious log book. At least she's consistent. Marilyn's theme seems to be one of protein. That's all she can talk about is that I need to have protein with every snack. I'm basically forbidden from eating something unless it also has protein in it.

Marilyn: "I see you ate a banana here. What is this about?" (Seriously, she said that, like it was an episode of CSI: Uterus.) Me: "Uh, we were walking out the door and I hadn't eaten in a few hours so I grabbed a banana." Marilyn: "But you didn't eat any protein with it. That will make your blood sugar high." Me: "I was walking out the door! I don't keep a jar of peanut butter in our car's center console." Marilyn: "Well, you know you need protein with every snack and meal."

I'm supposed to have a minimum of 60g of protein a day. Really, as a "high risk" pregnancy, the books would like me to get as much as 100g a day. That number seems impossible to me. If I eat a burger from Five Guys or a Chick-fil-a sandwich, that's 30g. But Marilyn is not satisfied unless she can see each time I ate something, I had at least one serving of protein. What's ridiculous is if I write down that I had almonds, she's satisfied even though there are only 3g of protein in that serving. She wants to see protein on every line that shows food going into my body.

I just cracked open the dreaded diet section of the "What to Expect" book (which I've been largely ignoring because that book is pretty much an encyclopedia of Things That Will Kill Your Baby Dead). It says, "to get your 100 grams, all you have to do is eat a total of four servings of Protein Foods from the Best-Odds Food Selection Groups." They then provide a handy list. Their list includes servings such as 5 (!) eggs or 3 (!) cups of milk or 1/2 cup of Parmesan cheese. Who eats like that every day?!

As I review what I've eaten the last week, I can see where I could have chosen items that had more protein in them, but it doesn't seem to matter if that's what I want to eat. It's enough to make me cry (then again, certain cleaning product commercials are enough to make me cry). I'm all about telling the Internet to go to hell with its advice on what I should and shouldn't be eating. But this lady is in my face and tsk-tsking me every three weeks about it.

My new plan is to start logging blow jobs in my diabetes journal. The Internet says those provide the same amount of protein as an egg. (God bless the Internet.) The next time we're rushing out the door and I don't have time to grab a handful of almonds, we'll just have to have some auto shenanigans to keep my blood sugar in check. It's for the baby, of course.

It certainly beats choking down a Parmesan cheese egg smoothie once a day.