Risks and rewards

I have been taking a lot of vitamins lately. I take three huge fish oil pills a day along with 6000 IU of vitamin D a day. Then there's the 6 multi-vitamin/nutrients and the 1500mg of tryptophan (I didn't even know that came in pill form!). My witch doctor claims that these can help with my anxiety. He didn't say I should stop taking Zoloft but suggested that they might help me wean off of it if I wanted. He said that Zoloft can have side effects for some people like weight gain or decreased sex drive. I told him I just assumed those were the side effects of parenthood.

So I thought I would give it a try. Mind you, taking five pills three times a day is a giant pain in the ass compared to one tiny little pill at bed time. It's also a lot more pricey. But I wanted to see if it would make any difference.

I took the pills for two weeks or so to build up in my system. Then on the third week I cut my Zoloft back from 50mg a day to 25mg. I remember taking the 25mg over a year ago and feeling much better so it should still help, right?

Whoo, boy, I'm back on the 50mg regimen again! I have had more late night stomach aches this last week than in the last year. I had actually forgotten what they felt like and thought I was getting sick. And last night I stupidly tried to convince our toddler that he might could go back to bed without nursing since I'm a little sore. After 20 minutes we were both crying inconsolably. Never again. He can nurse until he leaves for college as far as I'm concerned. Just don't cry like that anymore.

I'm hoping to feel more like myself (or whatever version of myself is the Z me I've grown to love) in a few days. I might talk to my doctor about cutting back Zoloft again when it's sunnier outside. But the churning in my stomach is not the way I'd like to lose a few pounds and crying all night doesn't really increase my sexual appetite (the snotty face and puffy eyes are a real cock block). The risks outweigh any potential rewards right now.

My right hand man

I first thought I would tell you about the time a dog bit me. I was 4 and our neighbor's collie pinned me down and bit my face. My mother was standing only a few feet from me when it happened. My face was so bloody, my mother left for the ER with me while my father scoured the yard looking for my nose. Thanks to plastic surgeons, though, you'd never know it. Then there's the standard pregnancy wear and tear. I've got stretch marks and a few stitch marks in sensitive areas but everything is working like it should so I can't complain. And really the stretch marks blend in with the numerous marks from infusion sites for my insulin pump so I don't lose sleep over them.

But what I really want to talk about is this damn cast. It's bright red and people either ask me how I broke my arm or very obviously aren't going to ask even though they're dying to. I feel like I should have written on the cast TENDONITIS SUCKS. CAN'T BE TRUSTED TO WEAR BRACE.

There are a few times when I forget I'm wearing it. Those are usually when I'm just riding in the car or sitting around (which isn't very often). But times like right now, when I'm trying to type at something better than 10 wpm, it's painfully aware to me that I have this club on my arm.

It sucks. I'm slower at everything. Showering is harder, putting on a bra is harder, typing is harder, finding clothes to wear that I won't stretch out and ruin is harder. I don't sleep as well at night (though that could be other factors than just the cast) and it's wearing me down. I wanted to go shopping Saturday but after two stores with the boy I had to go home and rest.

I'm worried. I'm worried that when I do take the cast off in two weeks I won't feel any better. I'm worried that four weeks of favoring my right arm will just make my left one hurt. I'm worried that it will happen all over again because my kid is still really heavy and I still need to lift him and buckle him in car seats and change his diapers. I'm worried this won't be an incident but the beginning of a long phase of aches and pains in my life. I'm worried I'll have to say no to things I want to do because of my wrists.

And when this cast comes off no one will know that I ever had it on. There won't be a reminder on my wrist to tell me to lift with my legs. I won't have a scar.

This cast is primarily because my son is incredibly heavy. So instead of a surgical scar or saggy boobs (or perhaps in addition to those one day) my physical reminder of the burden of motherhood is this bright red piece of fiberglass.

Mostly I'm worried that the fact I have to wear this cast means I won't always be able to do all I want to for my child. I just want him to know I'm doing the best I can and we'll get by.

The shower hour

It's that time of night. Rich is at one of his ridiculously late hockey games (really?! starting a game at 11:15pm?!) and it's just me and the boy. I've been working since the boy went to bed (damn this cast slows my typing down!) and I'm ready to take a break and head to bed. But I'd really like to take a shower first. The boy is very asleep but he's been that way since about 8:30 so I know if I go up there and even so much as breath while in the room he'll wake up enough to demand the boob. But I want my uninterrupted shower!

I'm gonna tip toe up there and take the quietest shower ever. Wish me luck.