Open your mouth and say "ow"

"My goal is to get you to say 'ow' at some point."
- My physical therapist guy, joking with me while digging around in my neck.

Many medical professionals have told me I have a high pain tolerance. It's the only pain tolerance I've ever had, so I don't know how it compares to others. But I have a variety of examples of powering through things that would have laid others out. 

I come by it naturally. I've watched both my parents persevere with few complaints through significant ailments and injuries.

We've been struggling over here lately. It's been hard to pinpoint the reasons why precisely. I realized that I am experiencing pain. I've never called it pain before, treating it like a situation, without emotion. I wasn’t in pain, I just couldn’t put weight on that wrist or turn my head to the left. Given that the pain resulted from the most mundane of activities, it didn’t seem to merit The P Word. People hurt if they’ve been injured, not from picking up their toddler. I was even resistant to seeing a physical therapist because that’s for people who are hurt, not me. I’m fine.

I’m seeing my experience as pain (on varying levels of the pain scale), and I realize that the pervasive pain affects me. If I can't turn my head, and my jaw is stuck, and my right elbow can't bear any weight from the shoe untying incident of 2019, I get to the point of "can't even." In that state, I don't deal well with Ian asking me to sign his coursework folder after having thrown out all the coursework because he already looked at it all and it wasn't worth keeping. 

I'm working on recognizing my condition and dialing down the reactions I have to external discomforts in addition to the ones going on inside me. (But why? Why would you ask your mother to sign an empty folder? Why??)

It could be seasonal. I have Facebook memories reminding me of prepping for Rich's first surgery in 2012, my beloved cat Hiro drowning in 2014, and the election in 2016. While it wasn't on Facebook, November of 2017 was a non-stop argument between Shrop and me. It's getting cold and dark outside, and I don't do well with either. It's not just physical pain we're navigating.

Ian is having a hard time too, and we're working on sorting out why. At the moment, I suspect he is going through a growth spurt. His legs have been hurting for several days. And much like my physical discomfort having far-reaching effects, he's managing a lot over there. Ian has been very emotional lately, crying over minor things.

Tuesday was election day, so he was home with me. He was hungry but wasn't sure what he wanted to eat. Nothing sounded good, and he was afraid to decide on food that didn't sate him, lest he waste it. I gave him several choices, but the options themselves were stressing him out. So I just walked away for a bit before I started one of my Mom Monologues (TM) entitled "If You Come To Me With A Problem, Don't Refuse Every Possible Solution I Offer While Continuing To Wail About Your Problem." It's a classic. 

I heard a thump in the kitchen, but I have a 10-year-old half-giant child as well as two large dogs. Thumps are not uncommon. A few minutes later, I walked into the kitchen and found Ian curled on the floor, crying. He was stuck and despondent. 

I sat on the floor with him. I told him that I understood. I told him I wasn't mad at him, and I know that he's struggling. After a few minutes, I pulled things out of the cabinet for him to look at and consider. We decided on chicken tenders, even though those take time to cook. He had two helpings. He felt better. After he ate, we walked together to the polling location because getting outside and walking can help reset things. 

He got stuck again this morning. We have worked on a new morning routine where I get help from Ian and Shrop (when he's there) so that I'm not all alone making the entire morning go and trying to get out the door by 7:38 am. Ian ground the coffee beans and filled the French press. He also fed the dogs, including their meds. He asked for specific foods but ran out of steam to finish them, which is fine. We were doing ok. 

Then he followed me into the backyard in his sock feet. That started me on my doctoral thesis of "We Don't Go Outside In Sock Feet, Particularly When We Are So Sensitive About The Lumps In Our Socks That We Must Try On Every Single Sock In The Laundry Basket While In Tears To Replace The Ones We Got Wet Outside After Protesting That The Socks Are Just Damp And Not Actually Wet." I didn't use Powerpoint slides but give me an hour and I could.

I hugged the top of his head while he went through every sock at the bottom of the stairs. "I gotta go." 

I made it about a mile away when he called me in tears.

"I didn't get to give you a real hug, and when I ran out to the driveway, I could see you pulling away at the end of the street." 
“Where are you now?"
"On my bike, halfway to Grandma's."
"Meet me in the driveway. I'm turning around."

I didn't need to go through an entire day with the last contact with my son being his sobbing over a hug. He didn't need the last image of his mother today being her driving away while he desperately needed a hug. We needed to fix this. I’m glad Ian called so we had the opportunity to fix it.

We stood in the driveway and hugged for a long time. Eventually, I suggested I could make fart noises to stop his crying. Ian laughed. I followed him to Grandma's with my window rolled down, coaching him on how his day was going to be good. 

I think I'm going to buy some more sun lamps. I'm going to remove unnecessary obligations. We have a lot going on right now, all of us. We're in transition, and while the change is all good, and we're not actively dying, there is discomfort in the process.

I'm a stand for being with a person through their discomfort. Many times people skip that step in favor of finding the fastest solution. But I believe people need to feel heard about their pain, in whatever form it takes. I'm not perfect about this. See my previous monologues and Powerpoint presentations. But I very much believe in it.

I'm learning to say "ow," and I'm learning to hear the people I love when they say "ow." 

Immeasurably unique dogs

I splurged the other day on DNA tests for the dogs. I feel a little ridiculous even typing that, but it didn't keep me from ordering kits on Amazon.

Mollie is the potpourri of dog breeds. My dad said she's like Heinz 57 sauce. She is one-quarter Rottweiler, which we had guessed. But she is also part beagle, Chow, collie, lab, Jack Russell, and "other" breeds.

I'm saying it's the beagle in her that gets into the trash can. It's likely the Chow that barks at the front door like she'll eat your face off. I'm not sure which breed makes her scared of the microwave beeping. It has been fun to look at her with new eyes after over a decade and wonder about her traits.

As for Cash, we suspected he was mostly German Shepherd. We now officially know he's 62.5% German Shepherd and 12.5% White Swiss Shepherd (ironic since he's all black). Then he's still one-eighth Chow and one-eighth lab. I think that might be true for all dogs here? Those two particular dogs are making the rounds around town.

I've never had a German Shepherd. I've had smart dogs before. We had a lab mix who was very smart, but very much had his agenda (which may not align with yours). Casey was part border collie, but he had a variety of other hang-ups that kept him from exploring his full potential.

Cash is smarter than some humans I have met. If he does something he shouldn't, you only have to tell him once, and then he doesn't do it anymore. Ever. It's weird. He patrols the house. He searches for things. He lives to serve. He might be allowed a concealed carry permit.

The challenge now is finding things to keep him busy, mainly since he can't be super active until after he is clear of heartworms. If he doesn't get enough interaction and stimulation during the day, he is incorrigible at bedtime.

Adding to that, he has not been an indoor dog before, as best I can tell. He will happily use the dog door if left alone or if we're downstairs with him. But at night, he won't leave the bedroom to go all the way downstairs and outside in the dark to pee. He pees in the closet or Ian's room instead.

We tried crating him to keep the urine controlled, but some nights he is so wound up, he tries to bust out. I'm afraid he'll hurt himself. Last night I put his leash on him and made him sleep next to my bed while I looped the handle over my arm. It wasn't ideal, though he was willing to forego patrols if he could sleep right by me where he could guard us.

Today, I've done a lot of research on how to give the dog more "enrichment" so that he stays out of trouble. I filled a Kong with a mixture of peanut butter, yogurt, canned pumpkin, and dog food, then froze it. I filled another Kong ball with rotisserie chicken and am pleased that it's lasted him over an hour working on it. I hid treats all over the house for him to discover. I ordered a "snuffle mat" that hides his food within it for meals.

Mollie is so low maintenance in all of this. I hand fed her some rotisserie chicken, and she has taken a nap the last hour while Cash has wrestled with the Kong ball. That’s not to say that she’s lazy. We’ve been going on walks every night and she’s lost a little weight. And she was certainly feeling spry enough to rip through the cat door when I accidentally locked her in my bedroom. But it’s interesting how she’s not really into treats or games or a part time job. She would be content on the couch or in her perfectly dug hole by the side porch. Mollie is all about Netflix and chill.

We're doing better. My advice is to be prepared to up your game if you get a dog that's smarter than you.

Covering my ass

I have gone to the mountain, tried on all the underwear, and am ready to give my reviews.

Before I asked the Internet for suggestions on how to cover my ass, I was out in the world, just winging it with whatever looked promising.

I tried a few different thong varieties but hated all of them. The one exception is the lace thong from MeUndies that they no longer make. I only have three pairs of those. They are precious to me. They are relics that eventually belong in a museum. Don't be fooled by their standard thongs. They're not the same. They're made of magic and unlike any garment you've ever worn or even considered possible. We're just destined to chase that lacy dream for the rest of our days.

Because I need more than three pairs of undies in my collection, I tried out the Under Armour Women's Pure Stretch Thong. They were great for about 20 minutes. After that, I wanted to burn them on my front lawn as a lesson to other thong underwear. They are too flimsy and won't stay anywhere close to where they start. Evil.

In desperation, I had also purchased the Areke Women's Bikini Panties Seamless Underwear from Amazon. They're solidly ok, but the 92% nylon material wigs me out and doesn't feel great all day. They are stretchy enough. I could fit two of me in there, but they still stay up. And they're dirt cheap. But you aren't going to pose in them. They're ... useful, at best. Your partner will be tearing them off you simply because you look way better naked than with them on.

I was disheartened with my underwear choices and asked Facebook for some recommendations. I didn't buy all the undies offered to me, but I did try several out.

The first pair to arrive were the women's laser cut cheeky bikini by Auden from Target. The price was certainly appealing. I think I bought five pairs for $20. Four of those pairs are on my dresser waiting for me to return them. I didn't make it through the day with those. I wanted them to work! They are soft, and I love the idea of laser cut lines. But they had zero substance to them, so they sagged constantly. It was infuriating.

The next ones I tried were Knix. They are also laser cut and came in an adorable pattern. I also was intrigued by the option of getting the absorbent crotch kind. I tripped off a curb today and it was touch and go if my bladder was going to hold the line. They lasted slightly longer over the day, but in the end, they still didn't make the cut. The web site uses words like "cheeky," which translates to "creeping up your ass" in my world.

I tried MeUndies bikinis. I love how soft they are and thought that I could do much better with this cut than the hipsters, which were awful years ago. They are solidly ok for people not shaped like me. For me, the leg holes are laughably small. The leg holes also have ZERO give to them, so they're very expensive tourniquets on me. Also, the seams show through most of my pants other than jeans.

The real MVP was Soma, specifically the Vanishing Edge bikini. They have little grippy edges along the ass! Amazingly, they don't dig in or feel uncomfortable! It's the first time in a very long time I've forgotten about my underwear after putting it on. AND! No panty lines! Even with workout leggings!

I will caution you that the scallop edge style doesn't fit the same as the regular. They feel smaller and don't work for me. A few other reviewers concurred. They're cute, but the scallop edge won't stay. When it rolls over, the edge is certainly not vanishing.

I've worn the Soma vanishing edge bikinis several times. It's possible if it were super hot and humid, I would hate the grippy edges. In this lovely fall weather, though, I'm doing ok.

I was going to say they don't wash very well but discovered I had accidentally washed them with Ian's velcro hockey pants. So don't do that. Also, they're super low rise so you can experience some plumber crack action.

I still think I'll try out some of those Undersummer shorts, but they aren't my immediate need for wearing at the gym. And I still want to try out TomBoyX, but I need to save up for those damn things.

I'm not 100% sold on these Soma panties, but they're the best I've tried in a very long time. I'm nervous about how the grippy edges will fare over time. I'm concerned about hot weather. Honestly, I feel like they're too good to be true. Clearly, some of us have lots of feels about panties. If they betray me, I'll be sure to report back.

So far, so good.

Doesn’t everyone take a selfie of their ass in the MIT building 14 bathroom? No panty lines! All day comfort!