Tugging on Superman's cape

Summer is supposed to be easy. Carefree. No schedule, no tests, no worries. But let me tell you there is a lot of worry going on around here.

Ian never wants me out of his sight. I can normally grocery shop without him, but now he’s right there in the produce aisle with me lest he is sobbing at home that something made a sound and I’m not there. I told him the other day I was going to mow the lawn. He looked up from Fortnite and quivered, “You’re not … leaving, are you???” Dude. By definition, I will be on our property. You can hear the mower and see me out any window in the house. 

As I was three quarters done with the lawn, he came racing out the back door. He looked pained and he had his fingers in his ears from the noise. I stopped the mower, killed the engine, paused my music, took out my headphones. 

“Are you ok, Stink? What’s up?” 
“Are you done yet?” 

I just blinked at him. My child is in the gifted and talented program, I swear to you. And he just asked me if the lawn that I’m clearly in the middle of and has sections which are demonstrably taller than others was done. 

So yeah, he’s been like a very large barnacle. If he had his way, I would wear him around in a backpack like Master Blaster. 

My kid is a lover, not a fighter.

Adding to that mix, he’s been sorta argumentative with me. He tried to tell me this weekend that “pumptism” is an actual disease. I said, “I highly doubt that.” He countered, “Yes, it is! Look it up!” 

You know what, you little asshole, I will. And so I looked it up and read the definition to him that it was a term MADE UP by a YOU-TUBER. And so maybe he should shut his trap about internet diseases, Dr. Short Stuff.

We were driving home from a movie last night and he asked me about the order of homes the orphans went to in “A Series of Unfortunate Events.” I told him I wasn’t sure. He said he knew they went to X and Y but he wasn’t sure in which order. I conjectured that it was Y and then X but I wasn’t sure. “No! That’s not right!” 

“You know what? Why are you even dragging me into this discussion? I was happy over here just singing along to Hamilton songs. But you asked me a question just to tell me I’m wrong. And I’m super sick of having you tell me I’m wrong all damn day. I broke up with the last person who spent all his time telling me I was wrong.”

We had a tense ride home and a quiet dinner. I didn’t want anything to do with the little jerk. 

I remember Rich telling me that people have to be right when they have low self-esteem. I tried to think of what would make Ian feel insecure. And then I remembered the kid at camp. Cameron is literally half the size of Ian but has been harassing him and even hitting him during camp. It’s hard being a giant child. Ian could snap this kid in half, but he doesn’t. And if he even defends himself, it just spins up this little guy, so he goes all howler monkey on him. And Ian didn’t feel like he could get away from him at camp. 

After two weeks of this little asshole, Ian needed to feel like he had some control over things. Some power. Some security. And that manifests itself in being right about stupid stuff. 

We went upstairs and he was super apologetic about his attitude. I told him I think I knew what was wrong. We talked about how bullies tend to be that way because something isn’t going well for them in their own lives. And they project it on other people. And that maybe he was mean to me because he couldn’t get away from the people being mean to him. He nodded his head and started sobbing. 

So we made a plan. He would tell the counselors very specifically that he didn’t feel safe and he was being bullied. And if they did nothing, he would use his phone and call me. We talked about how if someone tries to insult you but you treat it as a compliment it usually confuses them and frustrates them. 

“You’re fat. You look like a girl.”
“Thanks! I get to wear my hair however I want and I eat lots of really healthy food. I’m really tall and strong and I’m going to be really tall and strong as a teenager and adult too.”

We talked about how bullies need to be fed like a flame. If you can starve the flame of air, it will usually fizzle. It takes practice to do it. And I told him if he ever hits a kid in self-defense, I will never be upset with him and I will support him to the ends of the Earth. 

We did camp drop off this morning. I talked to the Coach. He knew about Cameron and said they had separated them as much as they could last week. And Cameron isn’t at camp this week. I told him about the other two possible kids that may pick on him and Coach said he would keep an eye out. And that he would talk to Ian about it. And he would make sure Ian felt safe. He thanked me for bringing it up.

I reminded Coach that one of my favorite things about Norfolk Academy was that as a sensitive kid I felt safe and heard by the adults. It was exactly what I needed growing up. And I need my kid to feel safe at NA summer camp if he’s ever going to attend NA school in the future.

We took Ian out of the afternoon swim lessons too. It was exhausting him and he was a hot mess when I picked him up. He wants to go to the library in the afternoons. Fine by me, dude. 

It’s been an emotional week. Irritation, smothering, whining, arguing, crying, feeling hopeless, making a plan, feeling heard, having some hope. 

I hate bullies. I want to smash their faces in with a brick. And I also want to scoop them up and find out who hurt them to make them so mean. Then maybe smash that person with a brick. It’s a long road to get to Bully Zero that started it all. Probably Cain getting shitty with Abel. 

Shitty people exist at all ages. Living well is the best revenge. 

Ice skating in July

Father's Day on our terms

Ian says that he gets one less holiday than everyone else now that Daddy is dead. We didn't celebrate Father's Day. I didn't even tell him it was happening today. It's not like he's on Facebook to hear about it. 

We went to Water Country USA. Ian has been a bit anxious the last few weeks, having trouble sleeping and easily spooked. I wondered how he would fare with some of the rides. 

That little stinker wanted to ride everything. Even things that seemed like a horrible idea to ride! And I found myself going along with it as the parent. 

I'm not a water play sort of person. I like to float in the water. I like to putter around in the water. I don't like to be dunked. I don't like to be splashed. I'm not much better than a house cat in that regard. And yet, there we were at a water park all day.

I'm also pale and freckled. After today, I'm about 200% more freckled. I must remain vigilant against the rays of the sun all day. I reapplied sunscreen every hour and a half and I'm still a little pink. 

I left my phone in our locker, deciding to focus on us and the activities. It was nice. It also meant that I didn't get any photos of us doing our thing. They did have a photo kiosk, though, that had a couple of pictures of us exiting one of the rides. It pretty much sums up my feelings about most water rides. 

That face, tho

There is a ride there called Vanishing Point. It is a vertical drop with no raft or mat. Ian really really really wanted to go on it. I agreed to follow him up the stairs and see him off. When we got to the launch platform another girl his age was about to ride. Her mom was with her and was equally unenthusiastic about the ride. We decided to send the kids down together. 

I was all for this plan. But once they reached the bottom, the other mom turned to me and said, "You know what? Let's do this, Mommy. Let's mom the heck out of this. We got this." How could I abandon her when she said that? 

And so I held my shoes, Ian's shoes, my sunglasses, and my watch in my fists like I was Steve Martin in "The Jerk". And I went down this ridiculous ride. Water went up my nose. Water went up my ass. I was dragging my insulin pump alongside me the last 10 feet. I exited the ride like Bill the Cat, grateful my suit was in approximately the same location it was 20 seconds prior. 

And that is what parenting is about. Doing shit you don't really want to do because it makes your kid a better person. Ian was brave and happy all day. We had Dippin' Dots. We got our photos. We made it home with little traffic. We picked up new swimsuits for Ian. We are ready for summer camp to start Monday. 

Happy Father's Day to everyone doing their part to make kids better people, regardless of your gender. 

Circle circle dot dot

What do you recall about sexually transmitted diseases (now called infections or STIs) from your school days? For most people, the upshot was "use a condom and have as little sex as possible." 

Hounds and pussies, man ...

Did you do that? Did you go about your teenage years, 20s, and 30s thinking, "Whatever I do, I want to make sure I'm *not* getting laid!"

Did you have a conversation with your potential sexual partner about their entire sexual history before getting naked with them? Did you require physical copies of their recent STI test results? Or did you just wrap that dick and roll with it? 

Do you know someone who has or has had a sexually transmitted infection? What did you think about that person? Did you judge them? Did you assume that stuff only happens to slutty people with poor decision-making skills?

Do you know which STIs are curable and which are not? Do you know the symptoms of them all? Do you know which ones are tested for in the standard set of tests if you request them from your doctor or a clinic? Or is your plan still just to use a condom and have as little sex as possible?

If you request STI tests from a clinic, they generally check for: HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, hepatitis B, and trichomoniasis.

You will not be tested for Hepatitis A or C without asking. You will not be tested for herpes (HSV) without asking. You will not be tested for the human papillomavirus (HPV), in that there isn't really an effective way to test for it. 

Still excited about getting laid? Still feeling smug about your (presumed) clean bill of health compared to that one dude or chick who got the clap? 

Let's talk about herpes (the herpes simplex virus or HSV). There are two kinds of herpes - HSV 1 and HSV 2. It's hard to get accurate numbers, but it's estimated that as much as 80% of the world's population has HSV 1. Most of them (you) have had it since early childhood and are largely asymptomatic. It's still possible to spread the virus, though, even when symptoms are not present. 

16.2 % of the US population has HSV 2, again with 81% of those individuals unaware that they have it. Remember, no one tests for it unless you specifically ask for the test. I can also assure you from my own experience that if you ask for the test, your medical professional will look down at you and ask, "Are you sure? Because you know most people have it and it's not curable and it will likely just upset you to know even if you have no symptoms to treat." 

HSV 1 is typically known as "cold sores" or "fever blisters" and not considered a sexually transmitted virus. It is possible, though, to transfer the virus from the mouth of an infected person to the genitals of an uninfected person through oral sex. The number of genital HSV 1 cases is on the rise, partly because more people are avoiding it in childhood so they are not immune once they become sexually active. 

Because HSV 1 tends to focus at the top of the spinal column and therefore show up orally, if it "takes root" genitally, it doesn't manifest as intensely. It's also less likely to be spread genitally, mostly because the HSV 1 virus sheds far less often genitally (and remember, most people already have HSV 1 so you can't infect someone genitally who already has it orally). 

Like most viruses, herpes is not curable. You can merely manage the symptoms and take measures to reduce outbreaks. Once your overly affectionate aunt infected you as a toddler, you're stuck with it. Anyone you kiss intimately could get HSV 1 from you. And if you engage in oral sex, you can give it to your partner genitally. 

I bring all this up because I had my first genital HSV 1 outbreak last week. Let me tell you, it's not the way I would have chosen to spend spring break. I was sick for an entire week. I cried every day, for one reason or another. The first outbreak can bring flu-like symptoms. Plus there are blisters on your genitals that hurt a lot. And then there's the fear of not knowing if it's herpes (the test takes three days for results) and if so, which kind (1 or 2) until the results come back. 

Will anyone ever touch me again? Will I have to wear a scarlet H on my chest? At one point I was lying on the couch *wishing* I had chlamydia because at least that's curable. At another point, I was lying in bed crying, thinking that I would take an HSV 2 diagnosis if it meant I would stop hurting immediately. 

It was a hard week. It didn't have to be that way. The doctor at the urgent care clinic was horrible. I intend to go back either with a sternly worded letter or a baseball bat, but I'm not up for it yet. He told me how proud he was that he's had HSV 1 since a kid but his wife doesn't have it because he's been so careful. Which implies that I've been reckless. I still ball my fists up when I think of him. He also told me over the phone when I asked for my results that "he was right" as if that were any concern of mine versus my diagnosis. 

Do you know if you have herpes? Have you been tested? What if an aunt or preschool classmate got smoochy with you and you never knew you had it? You could give it to your partner any moment now. You could be a virgin and still give your future partner a sexually transmitted virus. You're a walking time bomb! 

What if you're single? Are you going to only date people who are HSV negative? Are you going to require they be tested and if they test positive (which may be a shock to them) you'll dump them? You're limiting your pool of potential mates to the 20% worldwide who don't have herpes? Or are you just wearing condoms for a while and hoping for the best? You can get HSV 1 or 2 even with condom use as the virus sheds across the entire genital area. There can be zero symptoms while shedding. Do you even know where to buy a dental dam? 

Of greatest note, I was taken aback by the reactions of those I told, both before I had a specific diagnosis and after I officially had HSV 1. Some immediately questioned if I was having unprotected sex. Some said I could just change my plans to only date other people with HSV 2. As if that suddenly became my only dating compatibility factor, versus religion, ethics, sports allegiance, child-rearing philosophies, pet allergies, DUIs, felony records, etc. As long as we both have HSV 2, I'm sure we'll hit it off just fine. Some reminded me that since everyone has herpes in one form or another, I don't need to bring it up with potential partners (if there ever were to be one again). 

And once I got back my official HSV 1 diagnosis? People seemed to be far less concerned about that. My pussy was ON FIRE for a week. Believe me, I was concerned. One said, "Oh, I'm HSV 1 positive too, I thought I told you." Another, "Yeah, but it's not *genital* herpes." Um, tell that to my inner labia, buddy. 

So I'm here to say, do some homework on sexually transmitted infections. I recommend the CDC's website. Talk to your health professional about what tests you've had, and how often you can be tested through your insurance. Go ahead and get tested for herpes if you think you'll ever put your mouth or genitals on another human in the near future. It sounds cliché but knowledge really is power.

And please. Stop. Shaming. Sexually. Transmitted. Infections. Yes, people can practice safer sex. And it's good to be well-informed. And stuff still happens. You are as likely to be in a car accident as you are to get herpes but you don't see people wearing shameful hubcaps around their necks for the rest of their lives. 

If you met someone romantically and they told you they had HSV 2, what would you do? End it? Ask them to take anti-viral medications? Use condoms indefinitely? Would you blow them off completely, knowing that they clearly didn't get infected with the virus on purpose and were probably no less careless than you have been, just a bit less lucky?

Lastly, if any of this was educational for you at all, please consider donating to Planned Parenthood. They are an amazing resource for any human with sex organs, particularly women. I get misty just thinking about it. I called them in a panic because, in addition to my HSV outbreak, plus a yeast infection, I developed bacteria vaginosis (BV). The delicate ecosystem of my lady garden was just trashed and I was in a lot of pain and discomfort. I called the local Planned Parenthood and the woman on the phone was kind, compassionate, and most importantly SUPER HELPFUL. I hung up feeling empowered, even though they couldn't see me that evening. I went to another urgent care clinic with the data I needed to get help immediately. Planned. Parenthood. Cares. About. Women. 

I'm one of those 80% worldwide now who has HSV 1. I had a good run of luck to avoid it for the first 40 years of my life. I'm not really going to let it ruin the next 40 years.