I have gone to the mountain, tried on all the underwear, and am ready to give my reviews.

Before I asked the Internet for suggestions on how to cover my ass, I was out in the world, just winging it with whatever looked promising.

I tried a few different thong varieties but hated all of them. The one exception is the lace thong from MeUndies that they no longer make. I only have three pairs of those. They are precious to me. They are relics that eventually belong in a museum. Don't be fooled by their standard thongs. They're not the same. They're made of magic and unlike any garment you've ever worn or even considered possible. We're just destined to chase that lacy dream for the rest of our days.

Because I need more than three pairs of undies in my collection, I tried out the Under Armour Women's Pure Stretch Thong. They were great for about 20 minutes. After that, I wanted to burn them on my front lawn as a lesson to other thong underwear. They are too flimsy and won't stay anywhere close to where they start. Evil.

In desperation, I had also purchased the Areke Women's Bikini Panties Seamless Underwear from Amazon. They're solidly ok, but the 92% nylon material wigs me out and doesn't feel great all day. They are stretchy enough. I could fit two of me in there, but they still stay up. And they're dirt cheap. But you aren't going to pose in them. They're ... useful, at best. Your partner will be tearing them off you simply because you look way better naked than with them on.

I was disheartened with my underwear choices and asked Facebook for some recommendations. I didn't buy all the undies offered to me, but I did try several out.

The first pair to arrive were the women's laser cut cheeky bikini by Auden from Target. The price was certainly appealing. I think I bought five pairs for $20. Four of those pairs are on my dresser waiting for me to return them. I didn't make it through the day with those. I wanted them to work! They are soft, and I love the idea of laser cut lines. But they had zero substance to them, so they sagged constantly. It was infuriating.

The next ones I tried were Knix. They are also laser cut and came in an adorable pattern. I also was intrigued by the option of getting the absorbent crotch kind. I tripped off a curb today and it was touch and go if my bladder was going to hold the line. They lasted slightly longer over the day, but in the end, they still didn't make the cut. The web site uses words like "cheeky," which translates to "creeping up your ass" in my world.

I tried MeUndies bikinis. I love how soft they are and thought that I could do much better with this cut than the hipsters, which were awful years ago. They are solidly ok for people not shaped like me. For me, the leg holes are laughably small. The leg holes also have ZERO give to them, so they're very expensive tourniquets on me. Also, the seams show through most of my pants other than jeans.

The real MVP was Soma, specifically the Vanishing Edge bikini. They have little grippy edges along the ass! Amazingly, they don't dig in or feel uncomfortable! It's the first time in a very long time I've forgotten about my underwear after putting it on. AND! No panty lines! Even with workout leggings!

I will caution you that the scallop edge style doesn't fit the same as the regular. They feel smaller and don't work for me. A few other reviewers concurred. They're cute, but the scallop edge won't stay. When it rolls over, the edge is certainly not vanishing.

I've worn the Soma vanishing edge bikinis several times. It's possible if it were super hot and humid, I would hate the grippy edges. In this lovely fall weather, though, I'm doing ok.

I was going to say they don't wash very well but discovered I had accidentally washed them with Ian's velcro hockey pants. So don't do that. Also, they're super low rise so you can experience some plumber crack action.

I still think I'll try out some of those Undersummer shorts, but they aren't my immediate need for wearing at the gym. And I still want to try out TomBoyX, but I need to save up for those damn things.

I'm not 100% sold on these Soma panties, but they're the best I've tried in a very long time. I'm nervous about how the grippy edges will fare over time. I'm concerned about hot weather. Honestly, I feel like they're too good to be true. Clearly, some of us have lots of feels about panties. If they betray me, I'll be sure to report back.

So far, so good.