Another three weeks have gone by and today was another OB appointment. This visit was markedly different in that at least I was in and out in under 30 minutes. I think that has to be a new record (hooray free parking!). I'm the same weight as three weeks ago (189) and my blood pressure has gone down to "are you sure you're pregnant?" normal versus just normal (104/67). Everything is very much in order. It seems I can't have a doctor's appointment, though, without at least something getting on my nerves. Each visit I realize more and more how much I dislike dietitians.

On the one hand, they tell me that the hormones affect my blood sugar and certain things are out of my control so I just have to do the best I can. And on the other hand, the dietitian wants desperately to prove her worth by giving me some suggestion to change so that I feel like I'm getting my money's worth.

There are two dietitians I deal with, Georgia and Marilyn. Georgia is the one that "doesn't like my numbers" and complains about my refusal to user their precious log book. At least she's consistent. Marilyn's theme seems to be one of protein. That's all she can talk about is that I need to have protein with every snack. I'm basically forbidden from eating something unless it also has protein in it.

Marilyn: "I see you ate a banana here. What is this about?" (Seriously, she said that, like it was an episode of CSI: Uterus.) Me: "Uh, we were walking out the door and I hadn't eaten in a few hours so I grabbed a banana." Marilyn: "But you didn't eat any protein with it. That will make your blood sugar high." Me: "I was walking out the door! I don't keep a jar of peanut butter in our car's center console." Marilyn: "Well, you know you need protein with every snack and meal."

I'm supposed to have a minimum of 60g of protein a day. Really, as a "high risk" pregnancy, the books would like me to get as much as 100g a day. That number seems impossible to me. If I eat a burger from Five Guys or a Chick-fil-a sandwich, that's 30g. But Marilyn is not satisfied unless she can see each time I ate something, I had at least one serving of protein. What's ridiculous is if I write down that I had almonds, she's satisfied even though there are only 3g of protein in that serving. She wants to see protein on every line that shows food going into my body.

I just cracked open the dreaded diet section of the "What to Expect" book (which I've been largely ignoring because that book is pretty much an encyclopedia of Things That Will Kill Your Baby Dead). It says, "to get your 100 grams, all you have to do is eat a total of four servings of Protein Foods from the Best-Odds Food Selection Groups." They then provide a handy list. Their list includes servings such as 5 (!) eggs or 3 (!) cups of milk or 1/2 cup of Parmesan cheese. Who eats like that every day?!

As I review what I've eaten the last week, I can see where I could have chosen items that had more protein in them, but it doesn't seem to matter if that's what I want to eat. It's enough to make me cry (then again, certain cleaning product commercials are enough to make me cry). I'm all about telling the Internet to go to hell with its advice on what I should and shouldn't be eating. But this lady is in my face and tsk-tsking me every three weeks about it.

My new plan is to start logging blow jobs in my diabetes journal. The Internet says those provide the same amount of protein as an egg. (God bless the Internet.) The next time we're rushing out the door and I don't have time to grab a handful of almonds, we'll just have to have some auto shenanigans to keep my blood sugar in check. It's for the baby, of course.

It certainly beats choking down a Parmesan cheese egg smoothie once a day.